you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
