paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
