Don't you send me to vm
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
