No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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