I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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