So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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