Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
