you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
