Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
