mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
