don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
