god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
