Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
