Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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