he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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