Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
