so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Randomize