I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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