i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
