he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I understand Curling. That high.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
