They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
