I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
