so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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