I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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