wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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