He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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