Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
