Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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