So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize