This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
