I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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