she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he was CRYING into my vagina
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
