Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
sex in a hospital.. check
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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