I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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