dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
