Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just googled if crying burns calories
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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