the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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