Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize