My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
