can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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