So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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