can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
