He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize