I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize