And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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