two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
