Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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