I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
