I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
