that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
