i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
