i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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