So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
