man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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