DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize