Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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