Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize