How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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