Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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