third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
