Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
