Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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