I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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