separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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