I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
