I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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