Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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