I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
