just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
